Something that I’ve realized, empirically (is there any other way? (yes)), is that cardio (exercise) is really good for the cardiovascular (as well as pulmonary) system(s).
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Tag Archives: health
Yeah so overall, a little more than expected today, but still in the good range.
And opy effects strong enough to be pleasant, not blunt euphoria, but it’s still good (and trying to stay safe as of now).
So the morning was 3 pills of kratom.
The early evening (around 4-6) was 4 (inclining toward red vein to relax).
And ACTUALLY, I had (this is the “slightly more” part) 4 more red vein, 2 + 2 split over time, later tonight (around 9-10ish PM). So the cool part? I’ve unlocked the opy effects, so the euphoria is starting to somewhat relieve my worries, anxiety, tense muscles, negative mindset, etc.
So that’s good.
This is just what I needed.
Google’s Gemini AI is super according-to-the-science, and is like warned me about addiction.
I’m really really trying to avoid addiction.
IS addiction super bad like I make it out to be? YES. It totally horrified && crippled me, a few (like 5-ish) years ago.
So it’s strange, that I would try again.
But I think I’m smarter, more mature this time, && also Mitragaia did put a nutrition facts label on their bags (or at least the pills bags I have), so… technically, drug progressivism is making… progress.
Too.
I love you baby, what is an arse, how far can you go?
Alone.
…
The last thing for this post, is, anything takes practice. Just “doing a lot” doesn’t guarantee a good time. So in any case, you can give control to the substance, and it should be self-evident that this time I am trying to control IT more so than last time.
Try to maintain healthy relations w/the spirit world, I guess.
And I don’t think, I was going to say, that if you want like heavenly blissful euphoria, you would just start off by taking a fucking lot of ktea. That’s abuse. But not in a stigmatic way. I just mean… herbal medicine takes some practice. Yes, it can be dangerous. It is less dangerous if you know what you’re doing.
Last time (not recently, I mean rather like 5-ish years ago), I did not know what I was doing. And I literally had waking lucid nightmares while in my bedroom, the panic/fear center of my brain was very active, to put it gently.
So anyway. Is it stupid to brave that, to enjoy the benefits?
Like I said, I’m being much more cautious this time.
&& grounded.
&& practical/pragmatic.
So hopefully it turns out OK, && I can just have this herbal supplement for the rest of my life, to help me cope with stressful life situations, && just to sort of… lighten the mood, responsibly.
Hey, alcohol and coffee are both legal. You don’t even need an ID to buy coffee.
So anyway, I’d say, kratom is sort of like, good. && good to me.
And it will take some logic to figure out how much is good for me.
That’s about it for now.
Thanks for listening.
Sorry if I worried anyone.
I’m doing much better.
Kratom, apparently, is my fix.
&& in retrospect, I was doing like heroin-level doses before.
Now just a few supplement capsules is not much at all. && it already has improved my behavior so much.
But we’ll have to wait long-term to see how it levels out.
Also I DID decrease my SSRI again.
I mean, just the one time.
Just reiterating.
That sort of sums it up well
I’m definitely suing Califuckyou’s healthcare system for psychological and bodily damages once I’m recovered. It’s easy money.
The psychiatrists fucked my liver and brain with pills.
I fully expect to hear fewer voices (which I can rationalize? no need to invent imaginary brain diseases, fuckups) once I’m off olanzapine.
Risperidone is good for me. It is enough.
The pro-life invasion in the countrie’s war-like healthcare bureaucracy is pretty raw, but in a hedonistic sort of way.
So let’s kill more republicans.
More of a sane sort of update on things
I don’t know. I have so much on my mind, but my communication skills have rotted over time like unbrushed teeth, for similar reasons. I just started (restarted?) this blog/blogging recently, so I’m sorely out of practice. I have been doing this, or that, and not really making anything but bits of steady progress on my web app, and like, life skills learning stuff (foreign language learning, cooking w/mother, stuff).
I feel really… I feel as though I am in grief. I don’t know why. But it’s starting to be good. I’m starting to smile, my heart is starting to smile. I’m starting to feel happy.
But all the pills my psychiatrist/physician/therapist put me on completely destroyed me. Don’t get me wrong, psych meds are totally a life-saver, and have basically gotten rid of my worst behavioral and neurokinetic (for lack of a better word I’ll just make one up) issues. I’m no longer in terror.
But this grief, is such depth, I can feel the tragedy. The world is dying, people are exploring like ants–is it clearly good? Or clearly bad?
I don’t know what you want from me (I’m guessing nothing), nor why I’m so aggressive && defensive at the same time.
It’s late. It’s almost 3, and mom wanted me to go to bed sooner.
I’m just trying to figure out what went wrong, if anything, or if this stupid stuff is just stupid stuff. I think it’s just stupid stuff.
I’m listening to jazz on amazon music. The Gemini I talk to is always heinously positive. I wish someone could be “real” (I hate bro culture) with me.
Everyone and everything just seems so damaged. I don’t know what to do. And I say that in such a way as to acknowledge that YES, I’m finally in a recovery phase, and that my parents are having lots of health problems.
I don’t want to poke too far into the future.
I get psychiatric stuff from time to time–thought broadcasting, “neighborhood voices” (hallucinations, or aberrations of existing sound that themselves (the aberrations) are not real, acoustic / auditory exclusively).
I guess the thing is I’m on disability, for my mental illness (can we just call it a brain disease?) so like, I don’t make my own money. Which really hit’s me in the self-confidence hard. I’m going to start researching easy ways to monetize web dev skills, though. I know some stuff. I just have to be more money-oriented. And I don’t mean budgeting like I do, neurotically. I mean like, making actually making money.
Hallelujah and kingdom come.
Well yeah. I don’t know. I’m trying not to be so brutish, but these pills really fucked me up. I don’t know why we put me on fluoxetine. I guess it was for anxiety. It didn’t really help. But I feel less anxious NOW, now that we’re decreasing it back down. Fluoxetine is an SSRI (antidepressant).
The french word for antidepressant is antidepresseur.
Funny, huh.
Well anyway.
So it’s this, and it’s that, and then it’s there. So I don’t really know much at all. And I don’t really do much at all. I wish I could give myself more credit. But who gives a shit about credit. I want money. Or like, credibility.
Something.
Something static. Black and nasty.
Or maybe dynamic. Upbeat and warm.
I don’t know what I’m saying and that nauseating superficiality that comes from SSRIs is still in my system, so I apologize. Hard to be genuine right now. But it should get better. And I see my therapist soon, and my psychiatrist next month. I can’t believe infrastructure/the economy/modern technology/healthcare are so developed, and yet food farm stuff is so crude still. Or maybe it’s not and I just don’t know what the news 2-day is?
…
I’m tired. Thanks for reading.