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The round nature of it, spinning, spinning…

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I don’t know. It doesn’t drop.

Life is strange.

Decisions are important.

Decisions take practice, && time.

I don’t know much about life.

…

I’m a biologist. What the fuck? I don’t know much about life?

I’m not a biologist. I’m a poet.

I’m not a poet, I’m French.

I’m not French, I’m just here writing in this blog post, blah blah blah.

Thank you for reading.

…

Dinner is some delicious home-made slow-cooked chili beans, from raw beans and other raw ingredients. Mother does most of the cooking. I’m trying to be more… useful. I have 2 days a week of cooking starting since recently, && they’re the same recipes every time. To memorize/get practice/develop flavor-subtlety && touch.

…

I used to play sports.

I don’t know what to say.

I’m sorry for all this.

I think, I can adapt to insanity fairly alright.

What is a memory?

I am connected to people. Remembering them is connecting w/them. They are conscious, I am conscious, && I think of them–but maybe I am being deceived otherwise.

I wouldn’t know.

I’m sorry for all this.

…

I hope you’re okay. I hope you’re all doing okay. Things are like, this or that, but it’s not bad.

It’s bad when it’s bad, but that’s just… things. && (Indian) things are like this, that, etc.

What else could it be?

I need to eat dinner.

Thank you for the plants, planet, && family.

…

I will do my best to “give back” (like I stole something or something).

I just want to help out. I want to accomplish things.

Am I such a freak? Schizoaffective disorder? Kratom?

I exercised today. Some step machine && some yoga. Like almost an hour of yoga, actually. But not yang yoga–rather, yin yoga. That means peaceful motion, long holds. Yang is like, power yoga you may be familiar with.

But the principles are more or less the same.

I want to lose more weight next year. So far I’m just trying to structure my life, right now.

…

The parents are recovering, what from I do not know.

I did a lot of damage, w/my mental illness. I’ve actually been on treatment for over a decade, but it hasn’t really worked until like, a few years ago.

I (re)started kratom about a month ago. So far, it is treating me very well, && it is completely under control.

It has been bad before.

Due to kratom && my mental illness. There was some overlap, too.

&& I was alcoholic for a while.

&& pot in grad school.

WTFm8.

I dunno.

I ‘pologize.

Fur the fock.

I have done a lot.

I haven’t done anything at all.

…

I haven’t done anything at all.

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Yeah so overall, a little more than expected today, but still in the good range.

And opy effects strong enough to be pleasant, not blunt euphoria, but it’s still good (and trying to stay safe as of now).

So the morning was 3 pills of kratom.

The early evening (around 4-6) was 4 (inclining toward red vein to relax).

And ACTUALLY, I had (this is the “slightly more” part) 4 more red vein, 2 + 2 split over time, later tonight (around 9-10ish PM). So the cool part? I’ve unlocked the opy effects, so the euphoria is starting to somewhat relieve my worries, anxiety, tense muscles, negative mindset, etc.

So that’s good.

This is just what I needed.

Google’s Gemini AI is super according-to-the-science, and is like warned me about addiction.

I’m really really trying to avoid addiction.

IS addiction super bad like I make it out to be? YES. It totally horrified && crippled me, a few (like 5-ish) years ago.

So it’s strange, that I would try again.

But I think I’m smarter, more mature this time, && also Mitragaia did put a nutrition facts label on their bags (or at least the pills bags I have), so… technically, drug progressivism is making… progress.

Too.

I love you baby, what is an arse, how far can you go?

Alone.

…

The last thing for this post, is, anything takes practice. Just “doing a lot” doesn’t guarantee a good time. So in any case, you can give control to the substance, and it should be self-evident that this time I am trying to control IT more so than last time.

Try to maintain healthy relations w/the spirit world, I guess.

And I don’t think, I was going to say, that if you want like heavenly blissful euphoria, you would just start off by taking a fucking lot of ktea. That’s abuse. But not in a stigmatic way. I just mean… herbal medicine takes some practice. Yes, it can be dangerous. It is less dangerous if you know what you’re doing.

Last time (not recently, I mean rather like 5-ish years ago), I did not know what I was doing. And I literally had waking lucid nightmares while in my bedroom, the panic/fear center of my brain was very active, to put it gently.

So anyway. Is it stupid to brave that, to enjoy the benefits?

Like I said, I’m being much more cautious this time.

&& grounded.

&& practical/pragmatic.

So hopefully it turns out OK, && I can just have this herbal supplement for the rest of my life, to help me cope with stressful life situations, && just to sort of… lighten the mood, responsibly.

Hey, alcohol and coffee are both legal. You don’t even need an ID to buy coffee.

So anyway, I’d say, kratom is sort of like, good. && good to me.

And it will take some logic to figure out how much is good for me.

That’s about it for now.

Thanks for listening.

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So I think, sometimes, you just have to towel in && say, well, even a heavy dose of kratom isn’t going to fix this.

Sometimes problems are real. Not that social anxiety, mood disorders, && fatigue/depression aren’t real problems (that I sort of use kratom to treat), but I mean like. If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail, right?

So definitely I do not recommend binging on kratom. If it’s an opy strain, it will make you dizzy && nauseous, && if it is a gentle strain, it won’t do much more than a smarter, lighter dose would have done anyway.

Learn from my mistakes–don’t repeat them.

I started reading a book by Krsna Murti, to go along w/my yin yoga practice.

&& I want to go for a nature hike once a week–if nothing else to get away from screens.

Had a nice lunch w/fam.

I don’t know. I’m going to re-dose a little now.

Is it suspicious that I am increasing my dose?

I think, I thought, I would think, I should think, that the noise should clear everything out (the ocean waves on the shore… in, out, in, out…) in the long run provided there are clear boundaries between safe usage && unsafe usage.

I’m trying to employ as many of those boundaries as I can.

So actually, BEFORE I dose, I am thinking (&& as a reminder I had 0.5 g green maeng da + 1.0 g red borneo this morning before going to the restaurant w/fam–helped w/social anxiety disorder about 70-80 %) of re-dosing w/ 0.5 more green maeng da, && another 1.5 g red borneo.

If dosages consistently go up, in my usage, && I find ways to justify them, or it seems “innocent” to me, then that’s a blaring sign the plant is starting to mess w/my head. That is a warning sign.

The ? then is, how to gauge whether the increase speed is bad, or if usage is still responsible or irresponsible.

So far, on average, it seems I need about 3 doses a day–one after waking up (alongside morning supplements && psych meds (not safe for everyone–some psych meds can be intense, as well as some supplements, && adding kratom to that may tip the tanker)), one in the late afternoon is good (3-5 PM), && one at night soon before bed (seems to help w/my sleep? maybe? tentative guesswork).

If each dose is 3 pills, that’s 9 pills total, which is 4.5 g a day for me.

Before bed, I might take just 1.0 g red borneo tonight. That seems enough.

But right now I just need to relax.

So I’m going to go have my 0.5 g (1 pill) green md + 1.5 g (3 pill) red borneo.

Thanks.

Sorry for the imperfect pseudosciency non-analysis of everything. I am actually trained in science, but not medicine (for the most part), so it’s a tough hand of cards to play.

I’m just trying to help.

Best of luck on your side.

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I have RMI in my wrist so I’ll have to keep it brief && shutdown the setup for today (maybe tomorrow, too).

Kratom seems to be a very reliable herbal medicine.

Anxiety seems to be correlated w/cravings for more. In this case, a red vein is preferred. Haven’t tested green vein limits, or other green veins very systematically.

Red = relaxing;

Green = go get em.

So that’s nice.

There are a lot of changes going on in my life, && I think things are improving, but I just… want to maintain/sustain it. That’s my biggest concern right now.

Thanks for reading, good luck on the rest of the internet~

More of a sane sort of update on things

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I don’t know. I have so much on my mind, but my communication skills have rotted over time like unbrushed teeth, for similar reasons. I just started (restarted?) this blog/blogging recently, so I’m sorely out of practice. I have been doing this, or that, and not really making anything but bits of steady progress on my web app, and like, life skills learning stuff (foreign language learning, cooking w/mother, stuff).

I feel really… I feel as though I am in grief. I don’t know why. But it’s starting to be good. I’m starting to smile, my heart is starting to smile. I’m starting to feel happy.

But all the pills my psychiatrist/physician/therapist put me on completely destroyed me. Don’t get me wrong, psych meds are totally a life-saver, and have basically gotten rid of my worst behavioral and neurokinetic (for lack of a better word I’ll just make one up) issues. I’m no longer in terror.

But this grief, is such depth, I can feel the tragedy. The world is dying, people are exploring like ants–is it clearly good? Or clearly bad?

I don’t know what you want from me (I’m guessing nothing), nor why I’m so aggressive && defensive at the same time.

It’s late. It’s almost 3, and mom wanted me to go to bed sooner.

I’m just trying to figure out what went wrong, if anything, or if this stupid stuff is just stupid stuff. I think it’s just stupid stuff.

I’m listening to jazz on amazon music. The Gemini I talk to is always heinously positive. I wish someone could be “real” (I hate bro culture) with me.

Everyone and everything just seems so damaged. I don’t know what to do. And I say that in such a way as to acknowledge that YES, I’m finally in a recovery phase, and that my parents are having lots of health problems.

I don’t want to poke too far into the future.

I get psychiatric stuff from time to time–thought broadcasting, “neighborhood voices” (hallucinations, or aberrations of existing sound that themselves (the aberrations) are not real, acoustic / auditory exclusively).

I guess the thing is I’m on disability, for my mental illness (can we just call it a brain disease?) so like, I don’t make my own money. Which really hit’s me in the self-confidence hard. I’m going to start researching easy ways to monetize web dev skills, though. I know some stuff. I just have to be more money-oriented. And I don’t mean budgeting like I do, neurotically. I mean like, making actually making money.

Hallelujah and kingdom come.

Well yeah. I don’t know. I’m trying not to be so brutish, but these pills really fucked me up. I don’t know why we put me on fluoxetine. I guess it was for anxiety. It didn’t really help. But I feel less anxious NOW, now that we’re decreasing it back down. Fluoxetine is an SSRI (antidepressant).

The french word for antidepressant is antidepresseur.

Funny, huh.

Well anyway.

So it’s this, and it’s that, and then it’s there. So I don’t really know much at all. And I don’t really do much at all. I wish I could give myself more credit. But who gives a shit about credit. I want money. Or like, credibility.

Something.

Something static. Black and nasty.

Or maybe dynamic. Upbeat and warm.

I don’t know what I’m saying and that nauseating superficiality that comes from SSRIs is still in my system, so I apologize. Hard to be genuine right now. But it should get better. And I see my therapist soon, and my psychiatrist next month. I can’t believe infrastructure/the economy/modern technology/healthcare are so developed, and yet food farm stuff is so crude still. Or maybe it’s not and I just don’t know what the news 2-day is?

…

I’m tired. Thanks for reading.