Tag Archives: responsible drug usage

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Hello. Good morning. I’m tired && I took 2 green pills, 3 red pills, = 2.5 g kratom this morning, after waking up, w/my morning dosage of psych meds && supplements.

That’s the nice part of having a sustainable herbal medicine supply. I’m trying to wake up earlier in the day. Previously I was sleeping in until 2 PM. I’m trying to wake up at 10 AM from now on, except maybe on Saturdays.

The morning perk is nice, especially the weather is getting to wet California fall nowadays. The heat waves were pretty bad this fall.

I hope you’re doing well. I do try too hard, often.

I don’t know. What needs to be done. What needs to be done.

What done?

…

Very sleepy right now.

I guess I’ll go get some green tea. Not kratom, just green tea I mean.

Thanks for reading.

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I don’t know what to say. IS everything so fucked? Every metaphysic I look at contains numerous restrictions.

What is actually open?

…

The red bali is a little more state-headspace (though still mild). It’s clean, which is good.

I had some food. I don’t know if it counts as dinner.

I don’t know what to say. My papa is fucked, perpetually. I told him to ask his Dr. abt brain pills (for his paranoid delusions). I don’t really have any friends, && my parents are not the right people to talk to. It’s inappropriate of me to be open && honest about my personality with them. So it’s been tough on me.

Redoubling my efforts to get a job in pharma. I have some good experience, I realized today. I just need to be a little prouder of how good at science I am. Science && collaboration.

I don’t know what else to say. I’m sorry, for that, for nothing, for everything (else).

What else COULD it be? I make so many mistakes, and I don’t know where they go. People abuse me, && they think I don’t get it–no, no, it’s a delusion of reference (you think people are talking about you when they aren’t).

I don’t want to bring in the word Ego, I don’t know really anything about philosophy, to be honest.

It’s not good to be too happy.

I don’t know what to say. I never do anything right. I’m not suicidal nor homicidal, fyi. So there’s that. (Surprising, isn’t it).

I don’t know. Happy accidents?

I don’t know what else to say. It’s strange to find one’s own brain entertaining.

I really want this job I’m working on. I’m writing a cover letter, && tuning up my resume for the position.

I WILL use an AI for feedback, most likely–&& ignore absofuckinglutely half of what it says.

I wonder if my father is dejected b/c I have a short attention span.

Or maybe he thought I have a short attention span.

I’ve been through the ceiling w/anxiety for so long. Locked up… in the metaphysic.

What else could it be?

I’m done w/cheesy shitfucks.

What else could it be?

There are other things out there. Earth’s economy is thriving b/c of space exploration.

My investments are somewhat international.

I don’t know…

I’m sorry. I’ve been causing a lot of problems, && people overstep their bounds commonly, && it really isn’t welcome. It fucks me over.

Then someone exploits me.

What is the nature of the world? Does anything matter?

I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry for ranting.

Catching up on french audiobooks I bought a while ago. Just finished one about Europe, to speak broadly.

I want a stable life. && I can’t do it all myself. My parents are terrible, terrible people.

But they are good, they are caring, they care. They are intelligent.

But they are terrible, terrible people.

&& I don’t know what to say. But what else could it be?

Dead cold stan’d.

What fuck.

Shit fuck shit fuck shit fuck.

What shit fuck.

They get, then they don’t get.

THEY are not my issue. THEY don’t even fucking exist.

Imaginary republicans I guess.

…

But I don’t mean to offend anyone. I do need to vote soon, I forgot about it today.

I just hope, or rather, don’t give a flying fuck abt, care zero about, voting on time happens.

Happens/happening.

Fuck you.

Shit fuck ass nigger thizz bitch.

Retards everywhere. They are not good people.

They steal things from me.

Who is this shit. Wasting my life?

…

I don’t know what to say. To carry on a culture, I’ll just say: I’m sorry for this.

My parents are neglectful && physical reality seems to be debatable

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I feel very unpleasant that I lost track of my dosage today b/c I had to wake up earlier than normal for therapy.

I’ve had on-and-off paranoia most of the day, too.

I really do not want to be around the parents right now.

I don’t know what’s wrong with them.

Not every dart is going to be a bullseye.

So just now I had 0.5 g green + 1.0 g red (possibly the most boring dose possible).

It is friday. I like enjoying fridays.

This therapist seems to be a problem. I don’t know if I should report her for sexually harassing me or not.

Retribution laws don’t really work that well in the U.S.

As poorly as anything else in such a bad country.

I don’t know what else to say.

Sorry about yr bruises.

They’re not mine.

(So how long are we expected it to take?).

…

I suppose you are right. At some point we should bring into the picture the concepts of tolerance && addiction.

So in any case, the two are different, for starters.

I would assume usually they are correlated.

I feel that my actions are frowned upon. But perhaps this is paranoia, or despondency.

I was despondent today.

My parents didn’t help very much.

My therapist was supposed to help — she sexually harassed me.

I don’t know if I should report her. The greivance complaint line is not even anonymous.

So yeah. That’s american healthcare. Dumb retard of Earth.

If you even think drrmrrfuck is on Earth.

Some people think it does not qualify. Too low quality/unethical.

…

Great. Now I have a stomach ache.

…

Feminazis I guess.

I just hope I can sustain my being-there for my parents.

They really do get too much input into my decisions, though.

…

I don’t really have anything else to say.

I need to get my liver tested soon, too.

So we’ll see what is up.

There are many checks in place, though.

Am I spending too much on it?: budget

Am I keeping track of my dosage throughout the day && how much have I have?: blog

Some checks from mitragaia (like tamper-protection).

Manual willpower (yes, I don’t have none, I have some–but it is not good to rely on exclusively).

&& just living a healthy lifestyle.

Really, overdosing to my parents would really make them sad.

I don’t know. It’s good to be atheist, I guess.

Which I am.

…

I think I’m craving more responsible behavior from myself.

I probably did have a mild overdose of kratom tonight.

So anyway.

Tomorrow I expect to have 0.5 g green, && 0.5 g red (the minimum dose of each vein).

And then it would be nice to go on a hike w/my brother(s?) && mother.

Normal life is hard to find sometimes.

And it’s hard to be happy anymore.

At least my psych med dosage is optimized.

That took “4-6 weeks” ahhhh no closer to 10 years.

Thanks, dumb fucks.

I don’t know what else to say. My mood is pretty nasty right now.

I guess I should do relaxing things.

…

I guess that’s it for now.

Thanks for reading.

Kratom check-in (do take the horse shit, it’s the high end of the offer)

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~2.5 g green maeng da
~5 g red borneo

sum = 7.5 g kratom

I woke up earlier today && had to deal w/more today, though, so I would expect the dosage to be higher. Also there was a medical apt (therapist–she’s really stupid, && not that professional) in the morning, which is always draining (America’s worldwide famous shit–yes, even in liberal states–healthcare system).

So I would expect like 2 g more.

My daily limit is about 6-8 g.

So for tonight (&& no need to take–most of the time–if body does not say it would help), I should expect 8 – 10 g.

Try to cap it at 9. Basic addiction check.

So yeah.

So I CAN HAVE IF I WANT: 9 – 7.5 g = 1.5 more g, which rounds up to 2 g (4 pills).

Hopefully this coincides meaningfully w/the evening being more under control.

Also I didn’t exercise today yet, so we’ll have to at least do yoga.

I am losing weight, though. I guess. I really like weight lifting. But walking (or jogging) builds travel skills.

Which I, as a stupid wasteful American, do not possess.

So we have some variables to work with.

I guess I should be thankful for the degrees of freedom.

Or some horse shit.

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I don’t know. Either I’m unusually high-strung as a person, or red Borneo is a weak red.

I HAVE been relaxed before. I sort of remember what it feels like.

Ghost pepper sauce is more sneaky than strong.

I am thinking maybe 0.5 g more green maeng da, just for the opy-ness.

Other strains to buy later:

  • red maeng da? y/n?
  • green or white for something rated good for sociability.

I mean every strain has a persona, so getting to know more of them would be nice, and it would sort of interact w/itself.

Challenge not accepted(?)

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What I wanted to say about kratom, too, was that it gave me an unpleasant brain fog this morning, so I had to hydrate, eat breakfast, snack on fresh onions, etc. The usual.

So recently, this evening, it gave me a sort of intense daydream state. Reality blending w/fantasy.

That is what it is known for.

And so, I never really had that much of that previously, in my first time using it (which did factually devolve into addiction && abuse (the plant abused me)).

I was always chasing the euphoria properties of it.

But discovering that it can make dreamstate stronger definitely strengthens what films like Inception make it out to be.

(Inception is about opiates, btw).

SO anyway.

Fuck you bitch, shit fuck for free gratuity hate england hate us hate fuck shit countries.

I did my language lessons today.

It’s starting to be habitual.

But like… for a just environmental challenge, something to take me down && make it real.

Upcycling does that.

I’m too tired to even start, though.

So I might reschedule it.

…

Perpetually hacked

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This blog is going really well. I am satisfied w/my work, even if indecisive at all the times && shooting of myself in the foot often.

So, deterministic logic is failing me.

I think the enemy (or opponent, or whatever you want to call it) in the system’s philosophy is trying to prove that deterministic logic is false.

It seems self-evident to me that they are stupid, beneath me, retarded fuckshits, and stupid retards.

Having said that, if you ever have a stalker, most likely you won’t know who it is.

I’m not implying that I’m stalkish. I actually stay off social media && “THE DORK VEBB”.

Kratom dosage for today:

  • 4 pills = 2 g in morning (2 pills = 1 g green maeng da, 2 pills = 1 g red borneo).
  • 1 pill @ cafe in bathroom (I have a little emergency pill holder–for both prescriptions PRNs && self-prescribed herbal medicines) of I don’t know what vein, red or green, b/c I dropped the other one on the floor and trashed it immediately (don’t do dirty drugs, hygiene, sterility, cleanliness, disease, common sense–do these words make sense to you?), and the bathroom lighting wasn’t super-bright (I can normally see the color difference between the two varieties) = 0.5 g green or red vein (unknown).
  • 3 pills = 1 green vein, 2 red vein (prior conversions apply, as well) for evening (after taking a like, 3-hour break).

I am starting to feel better. I set up my task list with a SCHEDULE that FITS me! =D

Microsoft to-do is really good software.

It’s hard to find good software these days.

And this french audiobook is… blatant religious trash, and the author is an egotistical prick, but eh, it’s an audiobook. I don’t know why amazon isn’t paying me to listen to it. It’s total shit. Fuck you, ass.

And that’s that.

It’s good to take breaks.

Would I be able to live without water for twenty years? I have an addiction to water.

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I am taking a break from kratom tonight.

It’s medicine, not candy.

My mother doesn’t know that I’m taking it (and yes, if you’re in a country where mild drugs are legal–like alcohol or coffee in the U.S.–it is MUCH safer to be “out” about your drug usage to your family and close friends than to hide it–hiding it builds pressure, which fuels anxiety && the need for the drug). (Note, kratom is unscheduled (meaning NOT ILLEGAL) in the U.S., except for certain states && districts, though it is not intended for human consumption, as far as policy goes) , which puts pressure on me to hide it. But today she said Never start drugs, There’s no stopping addiction (in sum, paraphrasing).

So why not? Let’s prove to ourselves that we’re in control of the dosing. I had 5 pills (2.5 g) today earlier, but tonight should be 0. That’s the goal.

I previously said it wasn’t that addicting, but it was easy to abuse.

So I guess we’ll test that / prove it / disprove it. One way or another.

&& I have green sencha tea to fall back on (THAT is actually a healthy addiction for me–it’s mild, gentle, NOT addicting (just a tad, just a tad), && healthy). There are other things to do–like writing in your blog, hanging out w/your cat, or worst comes to worst, doing chores.

I am also perpetually behind on hobbies.

I sent out a job application today. No one fucking cares.

So I’m around, && I’ll be posting status updates on the mission progress for tonight along the way.

Bon chance.