I need to trim my nails soon.

&& mother wouldn’t really freak out that much about the kratom, maybe,

b/c she’s pro-herbalism anyway.

I don’t know. I’m sorry for everything. I’d like a nice natural eye cream, but the stuff

at Trader Joe’s is good, but like… not strong enough. I like it though. I just wish there

was something a little stronger for my eye bags.

I’m like, trying to take neater care of myself, hygienically && stylistically.

I started reading books again recently.

It makes me really happy. I don’t know. I only read a few pages at a time,

but I like to read like a few pages each of like 3-4 books at a time.

I got some from the library, && some from my bookshelf.

Not all fiction, either. One about gardening.

A Lonely Planet country guide. To get to know a certain country for

certain reasons.

…

I don’t know what else to say. Things are improving.

I need to go play tennis w/my brothers at some point, on some weekend.

Could my family identify me from this blog? Yeah, probably.

I just hope they never find it.

…

Sorry.

Thanks for reading.

Fresh batch of kratom is a really nice thing.

I may take next (not this, but the following) week completely off of kratom, to a) remove tolerance, && b) see how I do w/o it.

I think this is pretty basically what I am going to do next week.

Including both the weekend before, && the weekend after (to maintain a rhythm / for posterity). So, 9 days.

Wish me luck.

I refilled my temp containers (former tea bag containers) w/the bags of red borneo && bali, && the other container w/green maeng da.

I like red borneo a lot. It is, I can feel it, it really is like, satisfying, && removes the edge from my psyche.

Green Maeng Da is good for getting things done.

I don’t know. I might take a week off soon, just to get the tolerance gone && to be able to enjoy it vibrantly again.

But for now, it is gentle, && I have other things going on (SSRI reduction, job apps, trying to exercise more).

Thanks for reading.

I already take the entirety of weekends off completely from kratom.

I keep track of how much I have.

I use capsules instead of loose powder.

I try to live an otherwise healthy lifestyle.

I don’t know what else to do.

I didn’t exercise enough today.

I had some blackberries, raw white onion, && a cup of cranberry juice.

Healthy food exists.

I’m @ like 10 or 11 g kratom today so far.

I had 2 g in the morning.

I’m definitely starting to feel tolerance, after about a month of daily usage.

I need to figure out how to keep this good thing under control.

The thing is, just b/c you don’t feel good, doesn’t mean it isn’t helping you, or that you need to take more.

Sometimes not feeling good is the ethical option.

&& sometimes not feeling good is rewarding.

So anyway. I wish happiness were that easy, but I guess it isn’t.

Need to brush my teeth.

(Stark dissidence).

Fuck you, duck.