Tag Archives: status update

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I went the weekend kratom-free, except for Saturday morning (I had 1.5 g).

Today I’m at ~7.5 g.

That’s more or less normal for me.

I am already under mental care. I have a therapist && psychiatrist. I’ve had them both for about a year or two now. Closer to two (2) years.

Maybe 3.

I don’t remember.

They’re good people. Obviously anything could be better, but eh.

…

I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry for causing problems. I’m fine, though. I’m more or less stable. The kratom really helps w/social anxiety. I also have a medically prescribed anxiolytic, that helps, even w/psychotic episodes it helps.

I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry for all of this.

I don’t know what else to say.

Today was busy.

I’ve been making a lot of progress recently.

It’s cool. It’s good. It’s lemon-lime groovy.

…

What else? What else is there? Does it matter?

Mattress sale.

Does it mattress sale?

…

I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry if I worried anyone. It’s cool.

…

I don’t know what to say. It’s not all that exciting. I’m starting to read more.

The weekend off from kratom was a little, I was more anxious, && a little off. But it was necessary. If I take every weekend off, I’ll get used to the flow.

I noticed Monday morning I didn’t have a desire for as much.

So what is new w/me? I’m chasing a job in pharma. California has a good industry there.

I’m actually very qualified. I don’t really use social media at all, except for this blog.

I’m qualified, and qualified for this job. So I’m trying to do a good job on the job application.

…

Letting things rest after settling is an art, && I am a little clumsy there.

I would love to work in science again. The tech(nology) is getting to the point where, it’s sort of… actually really advanced, now. Like impressive, even to me.

Obviously it’s very mundane && tedious in actuality, behind the scenes, but I think I’m ready for that, finally.

That’s about it for now.

I can leave this blog post, and rest, or go do something else. && my head won’t explode from a landmine.

So that’s nice.

…

Went to the library today, w/mother. I’m starting to sort of socially reintegrate.

Schizoaffective disorder, like what it ACTUALLY is, even me, having been sick for over a decade, I’m starting to see. You can only know so much about yourself until you’re in the light/shadow of others.

…

That’s it for now.

Thanks for reading.

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I only had 1 green (0.5 g) && 1 red (0.5 g) pill each this morning, && it’s pretty strong already. Definitely one’s circadian rhythm affects how if you were to ever use kratom, how it works for you. The morning dose is always strong for me, && even w/smaller doses.

I’m starting to saturate around 10ish pills a day (~5 g). So that’s… good. To have a limit.

I think, it is somewhat addicting, but like, so is coffee. It’s like, at lower doses, about as addicting as coffee. My hypothesis is that it’s less addicting at lower doses. I hope this is true. It seems inherently obvious, but would it not be worth testing it, still?

I haven’t gotten any work done today, and I feel a little woozy.

I hope you’re doing well on your end.

Thanks for reading.

Rough work week or two (death)

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I don’t know. I’ve been having difficult working recently. I try to send out resumes to the pharma bay area biotech scene, and the rest of the time is self-employed (NOT yet profitable) web app programming.

It’s rough.

I don’t know what to say.

Papa is dying. No, not really. He just complains a lot.

Mama is out of the house, I don’t really know why or where she went.

I don’t know what to say. It’s rough. I WOULD like to make at least some money, eventually. It’s strange.

Oh well.

Oh well.

I guess I’ll burn in hell.

More of a sane sort of update on things

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I don’t know. I have so much on my mind, but my communication skills have rotted over time like unbrushed teeth, for similar reasons. I just started (restarted?) this blog/blogging recently, so I’m sorely out of practice. I have been doing this, or that, and not really making anything but bits of steady progress on my web app, and like, life skills learning stuff (foreign language learning, cooking w/mother, stuff).

I feel really… I feel as though I am in grief. I don’t know why. But it’s starting to be good. I’m starting to smile, my heart is starting to smile. I’m starting to feel happy.

But all the pills my psychiatrist/physician/therapist put me on completely destroyed me. Don’t get me wrong, psych meds are totally a life-saver, and have basically gotten rid of my worst behavioral and neurokinetic (for lack of a better word I’ll just make one up) issues. I’m no longer in terror.

But this grief, is such depth, I can feel the tragedy. The world is dying, people are exploring like ants–is it clearly good? Or clearly bad?

I don’t know what you want from me (I’m guessing nothing), nor why I’m so aggressive && defensive at the same time.

It’s late. It’s almost 3, and mom wanted me to go to bed sooner.

I’m just trying to figure out what went wrong, if anything, or if this stupid stuff is just stupid stuff. I think it’s just stupid stuff.

I’m listening to jazz on amazon music. The Gemini I talk to is always heinously positive. I wish someone could be “real” (I hate bro culture) with me.

Everyone and everything just seems so damaged. I don’t know what to do. And I say that in such a way as to acknowledge that YES, I’m finally in a recovery phase, and that my parents are having lots of health problems.

I don’t want to poke too far into the future.

I get psychiatric stuff from time to time–thought broadcasting, “neighborhood voices” (hallucinations, or aberrations of existing sound that themselves (the aberrations) are not real, acoustic / auditory exclusively).

I guess the thing is I’m on disability, for my mental illness (can we just call it a brain disease?) so like, I don’t make my own money. Which really hit’s me in the self-confidence hard. I’m going to start researching easy ways to monetize web dev skills, though. I know some stuff. I just have to be more money-oriented. And I don’t mean budgeting like I do, neurotically. I mean like, making actually making money.

Hallelujah and kingdom come.

Well yeah. I don’t know. I’m trying not to be so brutish, but these pills really fucked me up. I don’t know why we put me on fluoxetine. I guess it was for anxiety. It didn’t really help. But I feel less anxious NOW, now that we’re decreasing it back down. Fluoxetine is an SSRI (antidepressant).

The french word for antidepressant is antidepresseur.

Funny, huh.

Well anyway.

So it’s this, and it’s that, and then it’s there. So I don’t really know much at all. And I don’t really do much at all. I wish I could give myself more credit. But who gives a shit about credit. I want money. Or like, credibility.

Something.

Something static. Black and nasty.

Or maybe dynamic. Upbeat and warm.

I don’t know what I’m saying and that nauseating superficiality that comes from SSRIs is still in my system, so I apologize. Hard to be genuine right now. But it should get better. And I see my therapist soon, and my psychiatrist next month. I can’t believe infrastructure/the economy/modern technology/healthcare are so developed, and yet food farm stuff is so crude still. Or maybe it’s not and I just don’t know what the news 2-day is?

…

I’m tired. Thanks for reading.