Tag Archives: kratom

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The day turned out very well, despite being a little off this morning.

I’m trying to wake up consistently @ 2pm until it becomes routine. Then I’ll bump it earlier by 30 min, and iterate the process. I am using an alarm clock, not my phone (though that would work for some (ppl), too).

I did NOT get out of bed today until about 2:30 PM.

The morning dose WAS 1.0 g (red/green 0.5 g each). This was enough to sort of energize me for a good amount of time.

Then I didn’t have any until the evening. I take some w/my end-of-workday pills (&& my end-of-workday routine, when I exercise && do my fact-checking/reality-testing).

I did get some very good productive progress on coding done today. I mean workstuffs, for the software I’m developing.

I think Friday I will try to program w/o Gemini. Use the internet on my own.

The evening dose, after worktime, was 1 pill = 0.5 g green maeng da (first time dosing this strain && vein in the evening), && 2 pills = 1.0 g red borneo.

I’ve noticed that the red borneo is gentler, to repeat what I’ve said before, && sort of is more supportive, but combos well w/green maeng da (maeng da being the opier strain of the pair, green vein being for alertness).

I was sort of manic/uppity the whole day. Running around like a chicken w/its head cut off, helping the parents, doing chores, working on my web app dev, doing this, taking care of myself, doing that.

I started using Microsoft To-Do for my evening sessions. Of… free time.

B/c I like SOME structure to my free time. That’s sort of how I grew up.

So anyway.

So how is it going? Let me think a moment…

My mother still doesn’t know about the kratom. I’m horrified she will find out, yell at me, cry, && confiscate it. I don’t know what I’d do if that happened.

Oh well. C’est la vie. (That hasn’t happened yet). She respects my privacy pretty like, a little too much to be honest, so as long as I am functioning well, staying on top of the ball, she probably won’t snoop or inquire.

Then I took 2 more pills = 1.0 g red vein.

So right now I’m @ 7 pills = 3.5 g.

Like I said, 10 pills is my daily usual. Around 10.

So yeah.

I have therapy in a few days.

My therapist is good.

I don’t know what else to say. I’m tired, && functional, but sort of… beaten up.

I think it should get better, though.

My father discovered ice for his hip.

What a miracle. He was always before like, “It’s okay!” (implying he didn’t need it), && I am not naturally a pushy person, so I didn’t push. How screwed up, amiright.

And he said it helped.

I am pretty, like, good @ body stuff. I am a former athlete, for my education I studied/specialized in science/engineering–biological both of them.

So yeah.

I know some stuff.

…

That’s about it for now. I don’t want to get sued for writing in my own blog or perpetuating false information or whatever wonky accusation some idiot w/a lawyer or the republicans shout at me horrifyingly. That’s why I have a trigger warning as the homepage, && antivirus for the blog itself, && analytics.

Hopefully bad things happen less.

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I only had 1 green (0.5 g) && 1 red (0.5 g) pill each this morning, && it’s pretty strong already. Definitely one’s circadian rhythm affects how if you were to ever use kratom, how it works for you. The morning dose is always strong for me, && even w/smaller doses.

I’m starting to saturate around 10ish pills a day (~5 g). So that’s… good. To have a limit.

I think, it is somewhat addicting, but like, so is coffee. It’s like, at lower doses, about as addicting as coffee. My hypothesis is that it’s less addicting at lower doses. I hope this is true. It seems inherently obvious, but would it not be worth testing it, still?

I haven’t gotten any work done today, and I feel a little woozy.

I hope you’re doing well on your end.

Thanks for reading.

Perpetually hacked

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This blog is going really well. I am satisfied w/my work, even if indecisive at all the times && shooting of myself in the foot often.

So, deterministic logic is failing me.

I think the enemy (or opponent, or whatever you want to call it) in the system’s philosophy is trying to prove that deterministic logic is false.

It seems self-evident to me that they are stupid, beneath me, retarded fuckshits, and stupid retards.

Having said that, if you ever have a stalker, most likely you won’t know who it is.

I’m not implying that I’m stalkish. I actually stay off social media && “THE DORK VEBB”.

Kratom dosage for today:

  • 4 pills = 2 g in morning (2 pills = 1 g green maeng da, 2 pills = 1 g red borneo).
  • 1 pill @ cafe in bathroom (I have a little emergency pill holder–for both prescriptions PRNs && self-prescribed herbal medicines) of I don’t know what vein, red or green, b/c I dropped the other one on the floor and trashed it immediately (don’t do dirty drugs, hygiene, sterility, cleanliness, disease, common sense–do these words make sense to you?), and the bathroom lighting wasn’t super-bright (I can normally see the color difference between the two varieties) = 0.5 g green or red vein (unknown).
  • 3 pills = 1 green vein, 2 red vein (prior conversions apply, as well) for evening (after taking a like, 3-hour break).

I am starting to feel better. I set up my task list with a SCHEDULE that FITS me! =D

Microsoft to-do is really good software.

It’s hard to find good software these days.

And this french audiobook is… blatant religious trash, and the author is an egotistical prick, but eh, it’s an audiobook. I don’t know why amazon isn’t paying me to listen to it. It’s total shit. Fuck you, ass.

And that’s that.

It’s good to take breaks.

Would I be able to live without water for twenty years? I have an addiction to water.

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I am taking a break from kratom tonight.

It’s medicine, not candy.

My mother doesn’t know that I’m taking it (and yes, if you’re in a country where mild drugs are legal–like alcohol or coffee in the U.S.–it is MUCH safer to be “out” about your drug usage to your family and close friends than to hide it–hiding it builds pressure, which fuels anxiety && the need for the drug). (Note, kratom is unscheduled (meaning NOT ILLEGAL) in the U.S., except for certain states && districts, though it is not intended for human consumption, as far as policy goes) , which puts pressure on me to hide it. But today she said Never start drugs, There’s no stopping addiction (in sum, paraphrasing).

So why not? Let’s prove to ourselves that we’re in control of the dosing. I had 5 pills (2.5 g) today earlier, but tonight should be 0. That’s the goal.

I previously said it wasn’t that addicting, but it was easy to abuse.

So I guess we’ll test that / prove it / disprove it. One way or another.

&& I have green sencha tea to fall back on (THAT is actually a healthy addiction for me–it’s mild, gentle, NOT addicting (just a tad, just a tad), && healthy). There are other things to do–like writing in your blog, hanging out w/your cat, or worst comes to worst, doing chores.

I am also perpetually behind on hobbies.

I sent out a job application today. No one fucking cares.

So I’m around, && I’ll be posting status updates on the mission progress for tonight along the way.

Bon chance.

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Yeah so overall, a little more than expected today, but still in the good range.

And opy effects strong enough to be pleasant, not blunt euphoria, but it’s still good (and trying to stay safe as of now).

So the morning was 3 pills of kratom.

The early evening (around 4-6) was 4 (inclining toward red vein to relax).

And ACTUALLY, I had (this is the “slightly more” part) 4 more red vein, 2 + 2 split over time, later tonight (around 9-10ish PM). So the cool part? I’ve unlocked the opy effects, so the euphoria is starting to somewhat relieve my worries, anxiety, tense muscles, negative mindset, etc.

So that’s good.

This is just what I needed.

Google’s Gemini AI is super according-to-the-science, and is like warned me about addiction.

I’m really really trying to avoid addiction.

IS addiction super bad like I make it out to be? YES. It totally horrified && crippled me, a few (like 5-ish) years ago.

So it’s strange, that I would try again.

But I think I’m smarter, more mature this time, && also Mitragaia did put a nutrition facts label on their bags (or at least the pills bags I have), so… technically, drug progressivism is making… progress.

Too.

I love you baby, what is an arse, how far can you go?

Alone.

…

The last thing for this post, is, anything takes practice. Just “doing a lot” doesn’t guarantee a good time. So in any case, you can give control to the substance, and it should be self-evident that this time I am trying to control IT more so than last time.

Try to maintain healthy relations w/the spirit world, I guess.

And I don’t think, I was going to say, that if you want like heavenly blissful euphoria, you would just start off by taking a fucking lot of ktea. That’s abuse. But not in a stigmatic way. I just mean… herbal medicine takes some practice. Yes, it can be dangerous. It is less dangerous if you know what you’re doing.

Last time (not recently, I mean rather like 5-ish years ago), I did not know what I was doing. And I literally had waking lucid nightmares while in my bedroom, the panic/fear center of my brain was very active, to put it gently.

So anyway. Is it stupid to brave that, to enjoy the benefits?

Like I said, I’m being much more cautious this time.

&& grounded.

&& practical/pragmatic.

So hopefully it turns out OK, && I can just have this herbal supplement for the rest of my life, to help me cope with stressful life situations, && just to sort of… lighten the mood, responsibly.

Hey, alcohol and coffee are both legal. You don’t even need an ID to buy coffee.

So anyway, I’d say, kratom is sort of like, good. && good to me.

And it will take some logic to figure out how much is good for me.

That’s about it for now.

Thanks for listening.

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So I think, sometimes, you just have to towel in && say, well, even a heavy dose of kratom isn’t going to fix this.

Sometimes problems are real. Not that social anxiety, mood disorders, && fatigue/depression aren’t real problems (that I sort of use kratom to treat), but I mean like. If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail, right?

So definitely I do not recommend binging on kratom. If it’s an opy strain, it will make you dizzy && nauseous, && if it is a gentle strain, it won’t do much more than a smarter, lighter dose would have done anyway.

Learn from my mistakes–don’t repeat them.

I started reading a book by Krsna Murti, to go along w/my yin yoga practice.

&& I want to go for a nature hike once a week–if nothing else to get away from screens.

Had a nice lunch w/fam.

I don’t know. I’m going to re-dose a little now.

Is it suspicious that I am increasing my dose?

I think, I thought, I would think, I should think, that the noise should clear everything out (the ocean waves on the shore… in, out, in, out…) in the long run provided there are clear boundaries between safe usage && unsafe usage.

I’m trying to employ as many of those boundaries as I can.

So actually, BEFORE I dose, I am thinking (&& as a reminder I had 0.5 g green maeng da + 1.0 g red borneo this morning before going to the restaurant w/fam–helped w/social anxiety disorder about 70-80 %) of re-dosing w/ 0.5 more green maeng da, && another 1.5 g red borneo.

If dosages consistently go up, in my usage, && I find ways to justify them, or it seems “innocent” to me, then that’s a blaring sign the plant is starting to mess w/my head. That is a warning sign.

The ? then is, how to gauge whether the increase speed is bad, or if usage is still responsible or irresponsible.

So far, on average, it seems I need about 3 doses a day–one after waking up (alongside morning supplements && psych meds (not safe for everyone–some psych meds can be intense, as well as some supplements, && adding kratom to that may tip the tanker)), one in the late afternoon is good (3-5 PM), && one at night soon before bed (seems to help w/my sleep? maybe? tentative guesswork).

If each dose is 3 pills, that’s 9 pills total, which is 4.5 g a day for me.

Before bed, I might take just 1.0 g red borneo tonight. That seems enough.

But right now I just need to relax.

So I’m going to go have my 0.5 g (1 pill) green md + 1.5 g (3 pill) red borneo.

Thanks.

Sorry for the imperfect pseudosciency non-analysis of everything. I am actually trained in science, but not medicine (for the most part), so it’s a tough hand of cards to play.

I’m just trying to help.

Best of luck on your side.

A data point on redosing

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So it’s good.

I had 2 red, 1 green (pills, each pill is 0.5 g from Mitragaia), this morning after waking up.

I wanted a more “natural” day of workstuffs (I am a web developer), and this is actually good, b/c the harshness on the stomach was a bigger issue than the addiction for most of the day.

Now, it’s been a few hours, && I decided to re-dose w/1 green + 1 red (0.5 g each), && I think that is actually not just caving into addiction, but a good decision.

If you’re stable for a few hours after a dose, && it was a smallish dose, I think another small one is safe.

Obviously don’t repeat this every half hour the whole day. That threatens yr liver, if nothing else.

The irony, that kratom is natural, and I think w/o it is natural.

Oh well oh well.

So work stuff is going well today. (No I am not a drug dealer, no I do not use Tor or the black web, etc.).

Pragma v. bureaucracy at fo-fo, as it werth-go.

So it’s good.

posit dilemma

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So for the evening session, w/my evening pills, exercise, && chores (all evening stuff (doesn’t last all evening)), today, I took 1 pill green maeng da && 2 pills red borneo.

That was a couple hours ago.

Just now, b/c I am still wired, I took 3 more pills red borneo.

This makes 0.5 g green maeng da (for altertness–just generally a good thing when not in excess (what is excess?)) && 2.5 g red borneo.

This is a pretty solid round number.

So I think, morning or evening, 3-6 pills (1.5 – 3 g) is good for me.

This is a little LESS than the recommended dosage from my kratom dealer (Mitragaia.com).

Everyone is different. Not in some cheeky like moral sort of way, but actually physically (and I suppose personality as well).

So there’s that.

I don’t know what to expect. But I really want to fix or sort out my evenings.

I noticed a while ago that my personal life is much worse than my work life.

I tend to do pretty good at work stuff time (though not for long enough, according to a traditional clock), but struggle when I’m… free.

Don’t abuse language, as a final consideration.

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Sorry if I worried anyone.

I’m doing much better.

Kratom, apparently, is my fix.

&& in retrospect, I was doing like heroin-level doses before.

Now just a few supplement capsules is not much at all. && it already has improved my behavior so much.

But we’ll have to wait long-term to see how it levels out.

Also I DID decrease my SSRI again.

I mean, just the one time.

Just reiterating.