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lunchtime update

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I realized that I have to take breaks.

There we go.

I got some work done on my resume today. Searching the internet was never easier.

And I am strictly trying to NOT plagiarize, and obviously morality && accuracy are important.

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I don’t know.

How are you.

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Boo.

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Who are these people talking that know everything about me?

What strange people.

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Well, it’s halloween. Time to put on a psycho mask.

No need, already got one.

It’s my face.

😉

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Blocked some french server. Obviously w/VPN it’s total nonsense. None-sense would have been an interesting && maybe cool way to spell it, too.

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I don’t know. I don’t know what to do.

Papa needs to see a Dr.

Mama just saw a Dr.

Fucking prolife Drs. Fucking collapse of the healthcare system.

Fuck’t.

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Well I don’t know what to do. I give up.

Time to cut my wrists lulw.

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What ellse is it?

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I don’t know what to say.

How are you?

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I gave up a long time ago.

Then I started trying again.

It’s going better the 2nd time, actually.

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No drugs. Medicines && supplements only.

In the pharmaceuticals industry, in-lingo is sort of like, drugs = pharmaceutical medicines.

They just say, “drugs” and it means medicine.

So there ya go.

Tell that to Tauros.

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Completely I have been ignoring up till now for a while:

astronomy.

Fuck’t.

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I would love to look at the stars. I missed the perseids. We live in a light-polluted area. Industrial town.

Oh well.

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I wouldn’t know what to say or how to say it.

IT. Information technology.

See? I told you I don’t know how to say it.

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The next slump is starting. I can feel it.

But I think taking 30 min – 1 hr on my daily break, actually, to myself, is a good move.

I didn’t know the law permitted more than 30 min for a lunch break. I thought 30 min was the max.

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There ya go.

The death of public knowledge. As we know it.

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Language is easy.

Truly.

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I speak no falsehoods.

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What else would you like? A wooden sandwitch?

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Hello. Good morning. I’m tired && I took 2 green pills, 3 red pills, = 2.5 g kratom this morning, after waking up, w/my morning dosage of psych meds && supplements.

That’s the nice part of having a sustainable herbal medicine supply. I’m trying to wake up earlier in the day. Previously I was sleeping in until 2 PM. I’m trying to wake up at 10 AM from now on, except maybe on Saturdays.

The morning perk is nice, especially the weather is getting to wet California fall nowadays. The heat waves were pretty bad this fall.

I hope you’re doing well. I do try too hard, often.

I don’t know. What needs to be done. What needs to be done.

What done?

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Very sleepy right now.

I guess I’ll go get some green tea. Not kratom, just green tea I mean.

Thanks for reading.

The round nature of it, spinning, spinning…

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I don’t know. It doesn’t drop.

Life is strange.

Decisions are important.

Decisions take practice, && time.

I don’t know much about life.

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I’m a biologist. What the fuck? I don’t know much about life?

I’m not a biologist. I’m a poet.

I’m not a poet, I’m French.

I’m not French, I’m just here writing in this blog post, blah blah blah.

Thank you for reading.

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Dinner is some delicious home-made slow-cooked chili beans, from raw beans and other raw ingredients. Mother does most of the cooking. I’m trying to be more… useful. I have 2 days a week of cooking starting since recently, && they’re the same recipes every time. To memorize/get practice/develop flavor-subtlety && touch.

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I used to play sports.

I don’t know what to say.

I’m sorry for all this.

I think, I can adapt to insanity fairly alright.

What is a memory?

I am connected to people. Remembering them is connecting w/them. They are conscious, I am conscious, && I think of them–but maybe I am being deceived otherwise.

I wouldn’t know.

I’m sorry for all this.

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I hope you’re okay. I hope you’re all doing okay. Things are like, this or that, but it’s not bad.

It’s bad when it’s bad, but that’s just… things. && (Indian) things are like this, that, etc.

What else could it be?

I need to eat dinner.

Thank you for the plants, planet, && family.

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I will do my best to “give back” (like I stole something or something).

I just want to help out. I want to accomplish things.

Am I such a freak? Schizoaffective disorder? Kratom?

I exercised today. Some step machine && some yoga. Like almost an hour of yoga, actually. But not yang yoga–rather, yin yoga. That means peaceful motion, long holds. Yang is like, power yoga you may be familiar with.

But the principles are more or less the same.

I want to lose more weight next year. So far I’m just trying to structure my life, right now.

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The parents are recovering, what from I do not know.

I did a lot of damage, w/my mental illness. I’ve actually been on treatment for over a decade, but it hasn’t really worked until like, a few years ago.

I (re)started kratom about a month ago. So far, it is treating me very well, && it is completely under control.

It has been bad before.

Due to kratom && my mental illness. There was some overlap, too.

&& I was alcoholic for a while.

&& pot in grad school.

WTFm8.

I dunno.

I ‘pologize.

Fur the fock.

I have done a lot.

I haven’t done anything at all.

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I haven’t done anything at all.

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I went the weekend kratom-free, except for Saturday morning (I had 1.5 g).

Today I’m at ~7.5 g.

That’s more or less normal for me.

I am already under mental care. I have a therapist && psychiatrist. I’ve had them both for about a year or two now. Closer to two (2) years.

Maybe 3.

I don’t remember.

They’re good people. Obviously anything could be better, but eh.

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I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry for causing problems. I’m fine, though. I’m more or less stable. The kratom really helps w/social anxiety. I also have a medically prescribed anxiolytic, that helps, even w/psychotic episodes it helps.

I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry for all of this.

I don’t know what else to say.

Today was busy.

I’ve been making a lot of progress recently.

It’s cool. It’s good. It’s lemon-lime groovy.

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What else? What else is there? Does it matter?

Mattress sale.

Does it mattress sale?

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I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry if I worried anyone. It’s cool.

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I don’t know what to say. It’s not all that exciting. I’m starting to read more.

The weekend off from kratom was a little, I was more anxious, && a little off. But it was necessary. If I take every weekend off, I’ll get used to the flow.

I noticed Monday morning I didn’t have a desire for as much.

So what is new w/me? I’m chasing a job in pharma. California has a good industry there.

I’m actually very qualified. I don’t really use social media at all, except for this blog.

I’m qualified, and qualified for this job. So I’m trying to do a good job on the job application.

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Letting things rest after settling is an art, && I am a little clumsy there.

I would love to work in science again. The tech(nology) is getting to the point where, it’s sort of… actually really advanced, now. Like impressive, even to me.

Obviously it’s very mundane && tedious in actuality, behind the scenes, but I think I’m ready for that, finally.

That’s about it for now.

I can leave this blog post, and rest, or go do something else. && my head won’t explode from a landmine.

So that’s nice.

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Went to the library today, w/mother. I’m starting to sort of socially reintegrate.

Schizoaffective disorder, like what it ACTUALLY is, even me, having been sick for over a decade, I’m starting to see. You can only know so much about yourself until you’re in the light/shadow of others.

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That’s it for now.

Thanks for reading.

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The enemy is nearby. I can feel it.

I hate the word “feel”. It is so cliche.

Fucking bomb them.

Fuck you, bitch. Die, bitch.

Fuck you, bitch.

Fuck yourself, bitch.

Fuck you shit-nigger. Kill yrself.

Fuckers.

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My mom is playing into the hands of a financial scam.

She’s on the phone with a bank.

At 8:30 PM.

Yeah…

This is horrifying.

These people are diseased.

I don’t know what to say.

I’m at 7 g kratom.

It’s good so far.

I don’t like Ukrainian spies.

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I guess both of my parents have brain problems now.

I guess this is just where I am in life.

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I wish it didn’t have to be like this.

Why is my mother yelling at me?

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Fuck. Shit. Ass. Nigger. Thizz. Bitch.

Nuke Africa.

I don’t know what to say.

Give me some time to rest? Maybe?

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I don’t know what to say. IS everything so fucked? Every metaphysic I look at contains numerous restrictions.

What is actually open?

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The red bali is a little more state-headspace (though still mild). It’s clean, which is good.

I had some food. I don’t know if it counts as dinner.

I don’t know what to say. My papa is fucked, perpetually. I told him to ask his Dr. abt brain pills (for his paranoid delusions). I don’t really have any friends, && my parents are not the right people to talk to. It’s inappropriate of me to be open && honest about my personality with them. So it’s been tough on me.

Redoubling my efforts to get a job in pharma. I have some good experience, I realized today. I just need to be a little prouder of how good at science I am. Science && collaboration.

I don’t know what else to say. I’m sorry, for that, for nothing, for everything (else).

What else COULD it be? I make so many mistakes, and I don’t know where they go. People abuse me, && they think I don’t get it–no, no, it’s a delusion of reference (you think people are talking about you when they aren’t).

I don’t want to bring in the word Ego, I don’t know really anything about philosophy, to be honest.

It’s not good to be too happy.

I don’t know what to say. I never do anything right. I’m not suicidal nor homicidal, fyi. So there’s that. (Surprising, isn’t it).

I don’t know. Happy accidents?

I don’t know what else to say. It’s strange to find one’s own brain entertaining.

I really want this job I’m working on. I’m writing a cover letter, && tuning up my resume for the position.

I WILL use an AI for feedback, most likely–&& ignore absofuckinglutely half of what it says.

I wonder if my father is dejected b/c I have a short attention span.

Or maybe he thought I have a short attention span.

I’ve been through the ceiling w/anxiety for so long. Locked up… in the metaphysic.

What else could it be?

I’m done w/cheesy shitfucks.

What else could it be?

There are other things out there. Earth’s economy is thriving b/c of space exploration.

My investments are somewhat international.

I don’t know…

I’m sorry. I’ve been causing a lot of problems, && people overstep their bounds commonly, && it really isn’t welcome. It fucks me over.

Then someone exploits me.

What is the nature of the world? Does anything matter?

I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry for ranting.

Catching up on french audiobooks I bought a while ago. Just finished one about Europe, to speak broadly.

I want a stable life. && I can’t do it all myself. My parents are terrible, terrible people.

But they are good, they are caring, they care. They are intelligent.

But they are terrible, terrible people.

&& I don’t know what to say. But what else could it be?

Dead cold stan’d.

What fuck.

Shit fuck shit fuck shit fuck.

What shit fuck.

They get, then they don’t get.

THEY are not my issue. THEY don’t even fucking exist.

Imaginary republicans I guess.

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But I don’t mean to offend anyone. I do need to vote soon, I forgot about it today.

I just hope, or rather, don’t give a flying fuck abt, care zero about, voting on time happens.

Happens/happening.

Fuck you.

Shit fuck ass nigger thizz bitch.

Retards everywhere. They are not good people.

They steal things from me.

Who is this shit. Wasting my life?

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I don’t know what to say. To carry on a culture, I’ll just say: I’m sorry for this.

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Red bali arrived. Testing it out.

Had a kratom-free (except for Saturday morning) weekend. Good to clear the liver out of residuals every week.

Will let you know how red bali plays w/me.

To reiterate, mild green maeng da + mild red borneo, well, it’s like, happy focus, w/the red borneo smoothing out the edges.

If anything I would freak people out by being too happy (not calm enough).

Remember to dentist, exercise, work, etc.

Good job.

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Career starting to follow in the footsteps of health.

They don’t do it on purpose.

They just are bad parents.

Terror of the piques

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It was the noisy neighbors. They weren’t talking to me.

Mystery solved.

But they are “louder” when I need to take my pills, or do something.

This is the brain disease part.

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Whose brain disease, may I ask?

JJ.

Took the weekend off (mostly–had 1.5 g Sat. morn.) from kratom.

It is now 10 PM Sun. && my liver or abs hurt.

It’s funny, to me, that I do not know the difference.

I did like 50 chores today.

One for each state.

There are 50 ways to do chores.

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Tomorrow is job-app marathon day. Goal is min. 2.

That means >= 2 job applications.

I also have the dentist. The parents made it irritating for me.

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Papa is mean. But also tired. He gets angry at mama a lot. Not that angry, but often, && sometimes that angry.

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Taking better care of the cat. Should probably put the cat treats on subscribe+save on amazon.com.

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I dunno. That’s more or less the shindig.

Haram, boko.