I don’t know what to say. I have been struggling, too.
I’m trying to make (I hate this word: ) metaphysical progress on the front(s).
I am making aforementioned progress.
I only had 1.5 g kratom today. Tomorrow I will have none.
Hopefully I can take photography && poetry more seriously.
There is too much to create, do, progress upon, science (yes, as a verb), constructively destroy.
There is too much to do.
I will not do enough, in my lifetime. This is finite.
My father has been struggling. He doesn’t show it. He always gets angry. But his sessions as his chromebook are sessions of loneliness.
I don’t know how to help him.
I don’t need to have such a bad attitude all the time.
I talked w/Gemini just now, && it helped me w/some ideas for keeping kratom under control.
Also how to handle Saturdays.
The rule for me, for Saturdays, is to not explicitly schedule anything ON them (particularly not in electronic devices), but if something is like “every 2 days”, then it will inherently fall on Saturday once every two weeks. So like, keep that task, do that on Saturday.
Do morning routine on Saturdays.
Do afternoon break on Saturdays.
Do evening break on Saturdays.
…
One thing that still suprises me–&& perhaps always surprised me–is how much immense effort && strain is required to think for oneself. To think autonomously. There are opinions EVERYWHERE–some w/labels of “Professional (definitely not anecdotal advice!)” some w/numbers next to them called “statistics”.
The individual is nigh over.
So I don’t know.
&& desire is not an all-or-none either-or thing. I think that’s something my Irish friend didn’t get when we were friends in high school. College.
Death.
…
I don’t know.
I’m sorry for dumping on the reader. Hopefully you are super-tough && can handle my rough language. I guess that’s one way to describe it–rough && tough.
I don’t know. I don’t feel good. This house feels like a prison.
I guess I need to do some chores.
I don’t work hard enough. I work on my web app && send out one resume a week.
I’m lonely. My mother is… has forgotten things.
Going for a hike w/brothers && mother.
Hopefully it goes OK.
Thanks for reading.
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to insult anyone, and just, the reader is very unhappy w/my writing and situation/status.
So I aplologize.
…
We canceled the hike.
I guess it was too scary for me.
Having a bad feeling about something should be factored into whether you even attend or not.
Poor middle brother will be angry. Mother is fussy.
I guess I don’t know these people.
…
I’m sorry for the traumatic/traumatizing blog.
It does belong to me, though.
&& building it was something.
Anyway.
So my healthcare system in the U.S. seems to be occupied w/making up lies && jumping to conclusions about my health instead of making me healthy.
My therapist sexually harassed me today.
My physician is disrespectful (and a chink).
My psychiatrists took about 10 years to figure out what dosage of psych meds are right for me.
They have me down for the thing where you are addicted to water.
I’m not addicted to water, I’m just a smart athlete.
Fucking brainless.
And the system is like “the scientific standards move that fast!”.
The scientific standards do not move that fast.
They never did. They never will.
That’s when science is REAL. As opposed to pseudoscience.
Something hurts. I don’t know what.
My therapist is just incompetent.
My physician is from Japan. What trash.
The internet is about as informative as the polluted roads nearby are quiet.
So like, I guess I’ll lie in bed and go to sleep.
Sorry if anyone died b/c of my writing.
Definitely I control your every impulse and mass suicide is my fault.
But if you’re stupid enough to believe that, then you’re probably from out of state.
I feel very unpleasant that I lost track of my dosage today b/c I had to wake up earlier than normal for therapy.
I’ve had on-and-off paranoia most of the day, too.
I really do not want to be around the parents right now.
I don’t know what’s wrong with them.
Not every dart is going to be a bullseye.
So just now I had 0.5 g green + 1.0 g red (possibly the most boring dose possible).
It is friday. I like enjoying fridays.
This therapist seems to be a problem. I don’t know if I should report her for sexually harassing me or not.
Retribution laws don’t really work that well in the U.S.
As poorly as anything else in such a bad country.
I don’t know what else to say.
Sorry about yr bruises.
They’re not mine.
(So how long are we expected it to take?).
…
I suppose you are right. At some point we should bring into the picture the concepts of tolerance && addiction.
So in any case, the two are different, for starters.
I would assume usually they are correlated.
I feel that my actions are frowned upon. But perhaps this is paranoia, or despondency.
I was despondent today.
My parents didn’t help very much.
My therapist was supposed to help — she sexually harassed me.
I don’t know if I should report her. The greivance complaint line is not even anonymous.
So yeah. That’s american healthcare. Dumb retard of Earth.
If you even think drrmrrfuck is on Earth.
Some people think it does not qualify. Too low quality/unethical.
…
Great. Now I have a stomach ache.
…
Feminazis I guess.
I just hope I can sustain my being-there for my parents.
They really do get too much input into my decisions, though.
…
I don’t really have anything else to say.
I need to get my liver tested soon, too.
So we’ll see what is up.
There are many checks in place, though.
Am I spending too much on it?: budget
Am I keeping track of my dosage throughout the day && how much have I have?: blog
Some checks from mitragaia (like tamper-protection).
Manual willpower (yes, I don’t have none, I have some–but it is not good to rely on exclusively).
&& just living a healthy lifestyle.
Really, overdosing to my parents would really make them sad.
I don’t know. It’s good to be atheist, I guess.
Which I am.
…
I think I’m craving more responsible behavior from myself.
I probably did have a mild overdose of kratom tonight.
So anyway.
Tomorrow I expect to have 0.5 g green, && 0.5 g red (the minimum dose of each vein).
And then it would be nice to go on a hike w/my brother(s?) && mother.
Normal life is hard to find sometimes.
And it’s hard to be happy anymore.
At least my psych med dosage is optimized.
That took “4-6 weeks” ahhhh no closer to 10 years.
Thanks, dumb fucks.
I don’t know what else to say. My mood is pretty nasty right now.
I guess I should do relaxing things.
…
I guess that’s it for now.
Thanks for reading.
I don’t know what to say.
Sorry?
For your asininity.
Church fights back hard. Dang what a powerful military.
I am being suppressed.
My therapist needs to be assassinated.
Not professional at all.
And fuck putting her in my phone–it’s probably her personal life.
What shit. California is so low.
At the moment, for you, destruction is a higher priority than preservation.
Sorry, but you’re going to have to be destroyed.
Things.
What are you implying?
I don’t know what you’re saying.
Can you be quieter in my room yet?
Who let you into the room, you fucking shitfuck. Go, go, break and enter into someone else’s house.
You are so, fucking, stupid.